What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I wish I only lived at night.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
