U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
