I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize