She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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