just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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