the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He shit in the fireplace
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
