VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
