You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
