I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
