Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
