I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize