another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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