I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
