4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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