Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
