and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize