If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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