I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
do herpes really smell.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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