You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
