Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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