when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize