oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
