i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
