If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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