She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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