she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize