I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
