She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
