You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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