Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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