My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize