I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
