and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
