I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
