You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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