piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
