I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
