is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
