you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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