Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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