Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
