my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So much rum. So many feels.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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