mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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