TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
