im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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