I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
