Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
well, you know. whores of a feather.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
