I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
