My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
