she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
All the doctor said was why
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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