You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
