Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
there was a trapeze. enough said
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
