Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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