Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
