I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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