I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
