Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
