Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
