I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
