____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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