If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
