Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
