My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
