I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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