is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
