Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We talked him into tasing himself.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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