Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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