I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
This is my gift to your gina
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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