Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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