im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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