You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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